Saturday, February 07, 2009

TiTy - An attempt to respond

Taken from Shasha's Blog


24th Jan 09…

till this very day I am still in daze and hoping that it wasn’t true.. but someone who I called “mummy” when I was still a little girl..someone who we would ran to whenever we are back in ‘keningau’ other than mama .. someone that we would tag along for what ever holiday back home .. someone that I felt at home and more comfortable going around compare to the rest of the aunties.. are now resting in peace.

bersyukur and i know it is HIS way that He loves her to take away the pain.
Mum was crying when she called .. I wanted to fly back to hug her and give my final respect but flights were all fully booked because of the festive holiday..i prayed for her forgiveness and hope that uncle Len , tity , obeh,sheena and lana will stand strong to go through the coming days.

God has his way of showing those memories of the one we love.
After sending mum and Shaleen to the airport , i went back home and try not to think too much. i distract myself doing chores and unpacking but slowly as you unpack.. photos of the memories hunt me down.

I gather all my strengh to dial tity's number but i would press cancel right away.
Afraid that i can't hold myself not to cry when i suppose to comfort her and tell her it will be alright. and afraid that i can't hold myself not to cry when talking to her.afraid that hearing from my tone that she would know how much i miss her mum which the pain and lost that she needs to handle is much more than what i could imagine.

Dearest Tity,
i hope that you'll hang on strong there dear.
i know that you've been distrating yourself to occupied your time not to think much but it's alright to cry and to remember.
that is our way .. and you know that she is in you and she will always be around you.
Don't forget to eat dear and don't forget to take care of yourself .. your health ok.
The whole family is here.

Thanks sha,

I just don't know where to start. Hmmm, I guess I'm coping with the loss in a very slow pace. I'm trying my best, but it seems like the pain is too much for me to bear.

I've lost a lot of weight (5kg to be exact). I dunno how did that happen, It just did. It's NOT that I didn't eat (I did!); aunties, uncles, cousins and my close-friends (who was there) did quite a good job in monitoring and asking me to eat; And I did just as what they wanted. I just don't feel my food anymore. I dunno how to explain that in a more 'scientific' way (hehe)

It's true that I've been distracting myself with work, work & work. I felt that it's the best thing to do as I don't feel like meeting people anymore (even my close friends). It sounded like I'm trying to cut the connection between me and the world. For whatever that leads me too, I'll take it. Every little things reminds me of her. I missed her so, so much, I guess it'll remain as a lifetime struggle for me.


Thank you for being there for me. Eventho your presence is not there. The thoughts is all that matters to me. Your letter and your call means a lot. I know you are close to my mum too. There's a lot of our pictures with her, which is taken in Sandakan and here in Keningau during our childhood time. How time flies...may her soul rest in peace.

P/S: Don't worry about me, I'll try to be as positive as I can be; that is our way, rite? =)


Miss Mathew said...

Dear Chalene,
Hi...I was reading Esther's blog whn I encountered deepest condolence on d demise of ur beloved mum. I lost my dad last year in June & whn I read ur posts everything tht had happened during my bereavement came flooding in...U knw wht?All tht u r feeling r very familiar to me. Friends told me tht time will heal, but in my case I guess tht doesnt work. But knowing tht my mum still needs me, tht keeps me going. I'm sure in ur case ur dad needs u more thn anythng. Do take care & all the best ya :)
P/s: my elder sis is working wth WWF(HQ) as well

God bless U


Charlene Dawn @ TiTy said...

Hi Miss Mathew,

Thanks for dropping-by and for the words of encouragement =)

I hope you're coping up with the loss. True it is that time won't heal, but the love around keeps us going rite? All the best to u too.

Take care & God bless

p/s: do I know ur sis? I'm considered a newbie in WWF hehe

Miss Mathew said...

No prob :)btw, I've linked u ya.
My elder sis has been working for WWF for ages :) Daria Mathew. She's based in PJ. Oh! & congratz! no more probation kan ;)

Charlene Dawn @ TiTy said...


Sure, im gonna hv ur blog linked too.

I dunno whether I met her during my visit to PJ. But if im not mistaken she's a Senior Scientific Officer in WWF-MY :)

Yeah! no more probation and it also mean MORE RESPONSIBILITY hehehe